She Was My Probie
by Enthusiastic Fish
Summary: Short oneshot with Tim reflecting on the events of Cloak and Dagger in season 6. Thus, there are season 6 spoilers. Not much plot, just some reflection.


**A/N:** Entry for the NFA Weekly Writing Challenge. Short oneshot in which Tim reflects on what happened in _Cloak_ and _Dagger_. Season 6 spoilers, obviously. I always thought it was strange that there was no acknowledgment.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing of NCIS. Too bad, but I'm not making any money off this. Just having some fun with it.

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**She Was _My_ Probie  
**by Enthusiastic Fish

I remember how excited I was to have a probie. I had gone for two years being called _Probie_ by Tony. Now, I had my own. I had someone to put through the paces, someone to train, someone to...okay, I'll admit it, someone to heckle...as Tony had taken it upon himself to heckle me. I'd like to think I wasn't as bad...but in fact, I probably was. I might even have been worse. Tony had a lot more experience, after all. ...and for a while, I thought I might understand just _why_ Tony had done that to me. I don't think I'll ever really understand why it's so necessary, but maybe a little. ...I loved calling her, _Probie_.

...but I've now had an experience Tony never has had. I've _lost_ my probie. I wasn't there when she died...when Gibbs shot her. I didn't see her go down. I didn't have to. I remember talking to her. It was hard to pretend that I didn't understand what she meant when she made the comparison between her actions and my own a couple of years ago. I told myself that I would never have gone as far as she had. I would never have committed murder to save Sarah...but even as I thought that, I wondered if I was just lying to myself. Michelle was worried about Amanda for eight months. More than worried. She was terrified that the sister she'd raised would be killed. She was in it all alone. Sarah was accused of murder, but she wasn't in danger of losing her life. If someone had taken Sarah... maybe...

I can't remember if I ever actually called her by her name. I talked _about_ her, but I don't know if I ever called her anything other than Probie. Is that why she didn't trust us to help her? I know Gibbs intimidated her. I know she figured he hated her. We, none of us, treated her especially well. I would have done anything for her, though. She's my probie. She was _my_ responsibility. Even after she got sent back to Legal, I kept an eye on her...never obviously (at least, I hope I wasn't obvious about it). It was nice to see her at the bar every so often. Not often enough.

I remember when she went undercover. She was so cool under pressure. She did so great. I was...I was proud of her. I don't think I ever told her that. I should have. She acquitted herself in an amazing way when things went bad. I should have told her.

I wonder if I failed her in some vital way. Tony trained me up, put me down, made my life miserable...and I turned out all right...I think. My probie died. Was there something in me that ruined her chances? Was it me that held her back?

The night she died...I was okay, at first. I told myself that this was the best way for it to end. I told myself that at best, my probie would be spending the rest of her life in prison. Death was preferable...wasn't it? The next day, when Amanda was there...I couldn't think of it that way anymore. I couldn't, not seeing how wonderful Amanda was, knowing that my probie had raised her. Amanda was going to grow up knowing...knowing what? Eventually, she'd probably find out something of what Michelle had done. She'd find out that "Michy" had died to save her, that she had _killed_ to save her. Wouldn't it have been better if Michelle had been there to explain it all herself? That night, I cried for her...Michelle or Amanda. I'm not sure which one, really.

I went to her funeral. I hid at the back of the room, skulked around and slipped out before it was over. Not very many people came. She was a traitor and murderer, after all. She was willing to sacrifice thousands of lives to save one. Michelle Lee is not someone they'll write stories about. ...not even _I_ can bring myself to put her in my book. She _is _in _Rock Hollow_, but only peripherally. She'll never come to the fore. I can't do it.

I keep telling myself that she was a murderer and a traitor...

...but in the end, Michelle Lee is only one thing to me...traitor or hero...

She was my probie.

FINIS!


End file.
